I've changed, you've changed, we've all changed!!!

Hey everyone! I have exactly one week left before the end of my sophomore school year. I have to say that this year, for me, was strictly about change. Everyone I know changed. I ended up changing. I lost friends, gained friends, and found out people's true colors. I remember there was a time during this year when everything seemed like it'd never get better. Everything that I touched crumbled. At first, I had a feeling that this would be a miserable year. But it wasn't. I'm trying to be a more positive person, so out of everything that happened, I'm going to find the silver lining in my gray storm cloud. Here are the top seven things/people that changed my life:
1.G- First of all. If there's anyone worth mentioning on this blog, it's him. He was the only person to ever really care about me. He was also the first person to break my heart. He taught me about love, and he enabled me to open up to people. G also helped me learn to love myself. I took everything he did to me and used it as a learning experience. I knew that if I was gonna love anyone else I wasn't going to make the mistakes I made with G, and I'd stop it before they do the same thing G did to me. My whole predicament with G was a learning and a changing experience.
2.F- I don't know if I ever talked about F, but I had considered her a friend at one point in time. The only thing F helped me see was that you can't trust anyone no matter how much you consider them a friend. She taught me that you can't make someone change for the better; they have to want to change on their own. What I would take from this experience is the fact that I can't tell all my business to everyone. Some things need to just be kept inside. The other thing I will take from this experience is the fact that don't nobody out there in this world give a shit about you. If you want to survive in this world, you have to learn to stand on your own two feet. F and my situation helped me grow up.
3.Dance team- Oh my gosh, did we suck this year! All those black girls on that team and we looked like we were just white-washed! This just taught me that I have to learn to embrace my talents and don't let anyone tell me what I can and can't do. This taught me to say something when I feel something is right instead of letting it get out of hand. Dance team also helped me be able to work with others, something I've struggled with doing since preschool.
4.Grades- I'm a smart kid, but I really didn't work to my potential this year. I still got a 3.7, but I know that I can do much better than that. My goal for next year is based on everything that went on with my grades this year. "If something seems to easy, try harder. I also need to learn not to do the minimum but the maximum. I have two more years of high school left and I need to make sure that I get good grades.
5.Advisory- Most people don't take homework assignments/big projects and actually apply it to their lives, so let me be the first to say I did. Our advisory project was problem solving in the real world. We had to pick a problem and use the problem solving method to solve it. I ended up picking the topic of college, and I actually applied everything I learned to my life. I am even more eager to go to college. I can't wait for all those new things that are waiting for me at college.
6.My advisory teacher: ms. s- She showed me that not all teachers are stuck up. She taught me that I can get close to someone who isn't necessarily in my age group.
7. My science teacher: mr. a- Helped me realize that science really is interesting. Helped me realize that not everything is going to be handed to me on a silver platter just because people like me. Helped teach me new things that I plan on using in real life this year.
I know I used to say that I regretted a lot ofthings, especially when it came to my love life. But I recently heard this quote and I plan on using it to the fullest for the rest of my life.

"When it comes to matters of the heart, the only sin is letting love slip away
because of what people say."

The rose that grew from concrete...

I thank the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because I've finally let go. I don't know when I started believing that everything I was feeling, everything I was going through was stupid. And it's so funny how I used to beat myself up for all the pain, all the things that went wrong. I never thought it took two to make a thing go right, or, in this case, go bad. I used to continually blame myself for messing up the thing G and I had; If you could really call that a thing. I remember when I couldn't--wouldn't-- let go of G. He was ALWAYS on my mind. And I believe that this last message he sent me triggered this huge change I've made in my life. The message read, "Well it's over and done with." And he's been sending me weird messages like this one lately when we would talk. I could never find the real meaning behind what he meant, and I guess I interpreted this one as, "I'm done with you and I would like you to leave me alone." So, I've decided to let go of G once and for all." It was this message that helped me realize that I was getting out of hand. What we had/ what I thought we had was gone. The friendship we had was gone. To tell the truth, it's not the intimate relationship that I miss, it's his personality I miss. I miss being able to tell G anything and everything. He was a good listener, and I miss being able to tell him anything. He was the first person to ever give a shit about me, he was the first person to learn about some of my deepest, darkest secrets; Things I wouldn't even tell the people I refer to as my friends. And of course, he was the first person I've ever opened up to in a long time. He's been the first man I've trusted fully and wholly in a long time. I felt that he was one of my really good friends; someone who'd be around for a while. But now, I must move on with my life because that chapter of it is gone. I found myself trying to hold onto things that were out of my reach, and trying to change the things that couldn't be changed. And now that I've finally detached myself from this in denial stage, I can honestly say that I was STUCK. I mean, I've been writing to you guys the past couple of months all about G. And now that I think about it, he wasn't even worth all the crying, he wasn't worth all the depression. What did he do for me besides break my heart??? What did he do besides hurt my feelings??? The problem is that he and everyone else doesn't understand how much he's changed my life. I am no longer the old Latina I used to be. I may not always show it, but I DO give a damn about everyone Else's feelings. I used to be hella selfish, but all that changed when I met G. I guess you could say that he was my sunshine through the rain; He was the smile I needed to see, the voice I need to hear when everything was going wrong. And I'm glad that he came at a time when everything seemed like it'd never get better. He came at a time when killing myself seemed like the only other possible option. I'm glad he came because he kept me from making the biggest mistake I'd ever make. My mother always told me, "All good things must come to an end, and nothing lasts forever." Even though I wish it could last forever, I know it's over. That little friendship, If you could call it that, is over. It's gone. If you had asked me this about a month ago I probably would have still been trying to keep the pieces together of our broken relationship, but now I can say that I am actually content with my life. For once, I feel refreshed. I can be content with the fact that we'll never be as close as we once were because, for once, I was able to open up to somebody and get all that stuff I was holding onto off of my chest. The hardest thing for me to do these past couple of months was to let go of him. Why, you ask? Because I kept thinking about what could have been, what should have been, what would have been. I never thought about what was! Then like today I started noticing that I was getting obsessed. I NEEDED to move on. There was nothing I could do to change the past, so the best thing for me to do would be to move on. And I'm so happy that I can finally say that he's not such an important piece of my life anymore. I let my feelings for him run every aspect of my life. Family, school, friendships, my emotional and my physical health. I started eating like crazy and I was crying all the damn time. The sight of him made me blush. Hearing someone say his name brought a smile to my face. And now that I look back on things and how everything went down, it was kinda crazy. Now I can look at the boy's picture and I don't feel anything because I am no longer letting the feelings I had for someone (that they didn't have back) hinder my success nor do I let it run my life. One thing G did do for me is, in his own way, he helped me mature. He helped me grow up, and of all the things he's done for me, he definitely helped create closure in my life. Just because I always smiled, and just because I always joked and showed my feelings didn't mean that something wasn't wrong. I don't know if he sensed that, but when we would be joking or just talking I found myself telling him things I swore I'd keep secret from the world. Now, for the first time in a long time, I find myself being able to live life, and being able to go at least one day without crying. I can finally say that I am truly and genuinely happy. I am over it all. I am over him. I am over our breakup, I am over us making out before he left. I'm over whatever went wrong between the two of us. I'm over the fact that we'll never talk again. I'm through with it all. Now, I can state that I've truly fallen into infatuation with someone; It wasn't love. And now that he helped me close all those chapters from my past, I am really looking forward to what the future will hold. I can't wait to meet more people, go out with more boys, and experience more heartbreak. I know that sounds weird, but now that I've experienced this type of situation, I know that I can make it out alive, I know I'll survive. AND BECAUSE OF THIS SITUATION: I am not afraid to fail; I am not afraid to be hurt. The old Latina wouldn't talk to people; Stopped dating people because she was afraid to be hurt. And now I am not afraid to be hurt by someone because I know I will still stand strong. That weak, insecure Latina is gone. I don't know where I got the strength--Never mind he helped me-- to be so strong, but I'm glad I did. Because I know now that I can go through any fire, any storm, and make it out alive. And yeah, maybe he'll forget about me, maybe we'll never talk again, but like I said, I've got to stop living in the past. I'm robbing myself of special times I could be sharing with someone else and I'm glad I let go of him. He didn't really care about me the way I cared about him, so why should I put myself out there like that? I mean, I found myself doing things I used to do to, I don't know, Impress him I guess. And when I look back at it, I feel so dumb because that was MY personality I was defacing; I was messing MY self up. Not him. Because obviously he didn't have the same problems I had. And all I can say is that I will always remember him, I mean, he DID help me create closure in my life. And if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't change a thing because this outcome is so great; So beautiful, I wouldn't have it any other way. He helped water this rose that grew from concrete...

I would cross the ocean for you (even tho I can't swim)...

Hmm... There is nothing happening this weekend. Nothing important at least. Since G's in town and every one's friends with him, everyone is breaking their necks to hang out with him. I'd be doing the same thing if I only had enough courage to speak to the boy. I know that if we were on speaking terms still, I would be doing something with the boy today. But, I had to stick my foot in my mouth and now I fucked everything up for the both of us. And to know that he has stooped to such a low level of ignorance now is just annoying. This new G that has emerged, the one I saw the other day, is not the G that I knew 2 months ago. He didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want me to feel bad. He didn't want to talk about me behind my back. This new G talks about me, makes me cry, and I'm sure if he had the chance he would beat the shit out of me. That's why I'm scared to talk to G. He's changed so much since he left to Colorado, and I don't think I'll ever be able to know him like I used to be able to know him. I don't think I'll ever be able to connect with him again like we did before. I just don't think there will ever be a me and G ever again. There won't be a friendship, nor a relationship. We just can't connect the way we used to. Because he likes to listen to his friends and let their opinions influence him. I, on the other hand, know that my friends have their faults and their opinions don't matter to me when it comes to G. My friend S was always like, "I can't stand G. He's so annoying." As soon as I told her that G was there that day she was like, "Where is he? Where? I want to talk to him!" Don't get me wrong, I don't mind her talking to him. I don't control her life. But for her to say that she's not two-faced, that was a pretty two-faced thing for her to do. I was going to call G the other day, but I knew the question would come up, "Why didn't you talk to me the other day when I was at your school?" And the only reply that I knew I would have to say because I'm sick of lying is, "I was scared." And I know that's going to turn into some other conversation, and I will end up being referred to as "Stupid". However, I really don't care what he calls me; I'm willing to risk it all just to have him back in my life. I know that sounds kind of desperate, but I really do miss talking to him. I really do miss joking with him. I miss his smile, and the way the sight of his picture would bring a huge smile to my face. I miss those days when hearing his voice or just smelling him or something that reminded me of him would make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I miss going to school knowing that I was there for one reason and one reason only. To impress G (Besides get an education). It's funny how we can go our whole lives, or in this case one year, with somebody and never notice how important they are to you until everything goes wrong. That is so funny. You don't notice that you're going to need them until they've moved on or until they forget about you. And that's not by choice. It's human nature. We usually want the prettier person, the person with the good hair or pretty eyes. We don't ever think that these people who are so "Pretty" are really ugly on the inside. We want the prefect person and we fail to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect person. We fail to realize that we may never find the perfect person or that we may never find the person who is even close to what we wanted. The person you usually end up falling in love with is the most unexpected person. You both could be two worlds apart, but still you will always connect. That's how I feel about G. We are completely different. Yes, we are both crazy, and yes, we both can be weird at times, but at the same time we are two totally different people. G's the unintelligent one, or I should say he acts unintelligent. I'm the smarter one, the one who uses her common sense. G's the one who gets a long with people; If he doesn't like someone he doesn't say it. He doesn't have to point out the flaws of everyone. I am the one who likes to blunt to everyone, or, "Tell it like it is." I am the one who doesn't get a long with a lot of people. I am the one who doesn't have a lot of friends. G is the one with the good childhood. I am the one with the fucked up mind. We're two totally different people but still we were able to connect with each other. And a wise person once told me, "Don't ever regret meeting somebody because at the time you thought it was a good idea." And that confuses me. When G and I first started talking a lot, we got a long so good. But after a couple of bumpy roads it was like we couldn't handle it. And I tried to make it work, he just would never cooperate. I miss him, Lord knows I do, and I want to be able to get over this little, er, big road bump that we've hit. My friend, N is what we'll refer to her as, has agreed to message him on myspace and start a conversation with him. She's going to start off with, "Hey it was cool seeing you the other day!" Then when he responds she's going to say, "Yeah, I saw you giving "L" (me) bad looks. What's up with that? I thought you guys were like "Friendly." And then when he responds she's going to say, "Oh, well she really wanted to talk to you but she was too scared to talk to you because she didn't know how you were going to respond." He gets to know exactly how I feel without me talking directly to him and sounding desperate. That makes me feel so much better that one of my friends has decided to intervene at such an important time. I HAVE to see him before he leaves, and if this plan goes through good he should message me and if not then I will message him. If that goes good then step three would be that I would finally see him again. I'll be able to see his smile, smell his scent, see his pretty eyes, and maybe, just maybe I''ll be able to kiss him again. And if we don't get to talk the only thing I would ever want him to know is that everything he's ever done for me, everything he's ever said to me has changed my life like crazy. I would want him to know that even though we don't get along, I still think about him everyday. I still pray for him before I go to bed and before I start my day. I still cherish every moment I ever spent with him even if it was a few times. And even though his best friend doesn't like me, and she keeps making sure that he don't reconcile with me, or I don't reconcile with him, I believe that we could still make it work. Like that Monica song goes, "I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon, I will be your hero, your strength, everything you need."

He knows how to make me hurt...

G was at my school yesterday. We were walking back from McDonald's and I looked up and he was walking down the sidewalk. At first I thought my mind was playing tricks with me because just like five minutes before that I had been thinking about him. And then lo and behold there was G. I almost passed out. My heart skipped like five beats. But I couldn't talk to him because he was always surrounded by people. And he was always giving me bad looks yesterday, so I was scared to talk to him. I wish I had talked to him though. But he looked so fine in that black shirt and everything. I could have just jumped all over him and slobbed him down right then and there. But no, I think he has a new girlfriend anyways. So that would have been useless. At least his hair was still cut. And those lips, I remember sucking all over them. I know he's not going to kiss me or anything or do anything with me because what do I have that his girlfriend doesn't already have. So, that intimate part of our relationship is obviously gone. And to tell the truth it's not really the intimacy that I miss. It's the comradeship that I miss. I miss being able to tell him all the parts of my life that I never told anyone else. I miss having someone who would listen to all and everything I've ever had to say. I miss having the only realfriend I've ever had in my life. That's what I miss. The intimacy thing came after and to tell the truth that DID only last two hours. You can't miss something you've just had a taste of. Not saying that I don't miss kissing him. Hell, I would be content if all we ever did was argue. I just want to be able to connect with him again. Get on that same level we had a couple of months ago. He was the first person I was able to cry around without fear of being judged. I thought he understood all this. I told him all of this and it hurts that he acted like he was taking it into consideration but obviously he didn't... I just wish we could go back to the way things were.

Gotta Accept What You Got...

I can honestly say that I am so sick of being depressed. I am so sick of being stuck on someone who doesn't like me back. I am so sick of constantly turning to you guys and complaining ABOUT my life. I'm sick of things not going back to the way it was. I'm sick of everything going bad. I'm sick of everything not going my way. I'm sick of people not DOING things MY way. This blog may sound angry, and that's exactly what I am. ANGRY. Angry for what you ask? Because it seems like as soon as I started to enjoy my life, actually like myself, and start being content with who I was, that was when shit turned inside out. I knew that I was turning 16 this year; I knew that there was going to be a lot of new things--better things-- that I could do this year, and with them came a lot of responsibility. What I didn't expect was the pain and the depression that came with it. Mama always said be careful who you fall for. I should have listened to her because she was right. This year, I feel that I've changed a lot. I've matured in one way or another, and in some ways I'm still that same immature Latina that I've been for the past 16 years. And I can't help that. EVERYONE has a little ignorance in them. Now, I tried changing so that people would like me, but it didn't work. I changed. Believe me, I did. But people kept looking at the past. Things I USED to do. Things I HAVEN'T done. Things I USED to SAY. No one ever started looking at what I BECAME. What I do NOW. What I do to HELP OTHERS. No, no one wants to look at the good this Latina's done. Only the BAD. And I'm sorry to say that I'm done changing for the world. I'm done trying to please everyone to become liked. If they don't like me oh well, I probably won't see none of them after high school anyways. Why have them slowing me down now? No, this Latina will no longer be hindered by the drama, and the stress of her peers. She will stand up through the pain; she will make it through the rain. And if I have to do it alone, then so be it. I will have to go on. Because one thing I've learned these last couple of months is that don't no one in this cold, cruel world give a damn about you. Sometimes not even your own mama. That's why you have to stand on your own two feet. Mama can no longer hold you on her hip. You know that old saying, "You must crawl before you walk?" Well, I'm done crawling. This latina is ready to let go of the table and walk. She can't do this anymore. If I have to deal with the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life, then so be it. If I have to deal with the fact that I'm losing a good friend because she's too blind to see that I have her back not stabbing her in the back, then, so be it. If I have to give up my dream of being on the dance team because one of the choreographers doesn't like me then, so be it. If I have to put my pride on the back burner and walk down the halls of school knowing no one likes me then, so be it. Like MY favorite saying goes, "Life GOES ON!" You can't change the past, hell you can't even change the present. But I can change the future. I can either be the depressed person I am now by holding on to the past and making myself bitter, or, better yet, I can change for the BETTER and be a happy person once again. I'll be able to let others in, and maybe one day, I might fall in love. But until them, I ask the Lord to help me to accept the things I can't change, change the things that need to be changed, and live for the glory of him.

Selfish or not? That is the question...

Hmm... I'm trying to write every 2 or 3 days at least. That way I don't have to keep you all up to date on everything that's going on in my life. But, unfortunately, I went to the doctor yesterday and ended up passing out a couple of times. Everyone thinks it was nerves because I'm "afraid of needles", but it wasn't. If anything, it was the fact that I've been under so much stress lately. Worrying about others while trying to keep my grades up at A's is hard work. It's funny how my family loves to call me selfish, but all I ever do is do things for them. I NEVER go out because I'm ALWAYS with my family. Does that sound selfish to you? I mean, for real. There's so many things that I could be doing with my life right now; so many things that would lead to a healthier latina, but no. I'm out here trying to help my family out. It's no wonder I have to go to a psychiatrist now. You see, this whole thing with G probably wouldn't have been such a big deal if I wasn't so stressed out. When you're under a lot of stress, the smallest things seem like the whole world is coming to an end. And that's why my hair is falling out, my weight's going up and down, can't think straight, I'm forever having headaches. But no one looks at me physically. NO, they just look at all the wrong I've done, not the wrong that's happening to me. But I guess I'll get this all figured out with the psychiatrist.
Always,
That mad confused latina...

The Storm Is Over Now...

Hmmm, I'm trying to keep you guys up to date on what's happening in my life. That way I don't have to try to explain everything in a nut shell like how I had to do two months ago. But it's May finally! Close to Summer Break! Good thing or bad thing is the question? I'll be a junior. One more year closer to growing up. I used to be so excited to grow up, but now that the reality is settling in that I'll be going to college possibly, and moving away, far away, from home, I am SCARED. I have never ever moved in my life, I've been to only three schools in my entire life, and I've always had the same group of friends. Yes, I've made new friends, but not many, because I'm kind of mean. I don't know how I'm going to do in college. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes??? I know they say change is good, but change is also hella scary. Well, I'm working on my dance for dance team tryouts. I'm applying for captain this year. Not to be known for being captain, but just because I would like our dance team to amount to more than it was last year. I don't want to hear "Our dance team is weak" when I walk down the halls. Because it hurts because I was on the dance team this year, and unfortunately, we did suck. We sucked hella bad. And to know that it wasn't our fault, but the choreographer and the coach's fault makes it even worse. Because they don't have to walk down the hallways hearing that shit. WE DO. Everyone thinks we made up that dance ourselves, and for us to all be black makes it even worse. Everyone knows that black girls serve it when it comes to hip hop, so why the fuck were we out there doing that shit in the first place??? Anyways, off that subject before I get pissed. These days, It seems like it's even easier to get over G. I've noticed that I don't miss him as much anymore. I even stay away from him on myspace and msn, because I know I need time to heal. He has that way of making you feel special, getting your hopes all up and everything, and then just leaving you to wonder what happened. I think I need to just not talk to him a couple of months so that I can heal myself. I don't want to go back into that hole I was in. Crying all the damn time and shit. I don't like people who cry, so I annoyed myself. But I'm glad that's all over with. Yes, there are days when I'm tempted to talk to him, see how he's doing, but I'm not going to. Yes, I want to keep the fact that we at least have a TALKING relationship, but I'm going to have to wait until I have completely bandaged my wounds he caused. I've got to wait till they create scabs and the scabs fall off by themselves. I guess that was a kind of nasty picture, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to have to wait to talk to G until the time comes when I don't even think about him. It has to come to the point where, when I see his picture, I don't smile, and my stomach doesn't do 1million flips. I hope he's not mad at me for this whole silent treatment I've been giving him. It's not that I don't still like him, trust me, I always will (I think), it's just that I've got to learn to love myself before I can EVER love anyone else. I've got to go do dishes, so I'll talk to you later. Until next time.
A confused mad latina...

Thank God the pain is gone.

Wow, I thought it would be hard, but I've moved on so quickly. I remember when he first left, I missed him so much that it hurt. Sure, there are days that I can't seem to get G out of my mind, but most days now that go by, I just don't even remember the boy. The question is: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? My problem is, that I get stuck on boys WAYY too easily. For the longest time, before I actually fell into "infatuation" I guess you could call it, my whole thing was that if I had to force a man to love me, or if I had to repeatedly prove my love to him, then he's not worth it. I guess I need to go back to that. Because, trust me, G is NOT worth it at all. He can be sweet at the time, but at the same time, he never really liked me in the first place, so he's just a waste of my precious time. I could be doing other things instead of waiting for him to love me. I am a beautiful person; I am a sweet person and I refuse to be turned into some ugly, evil person because I really liked some dude. No, mama taught me better than that. I am going to make a vow to myself that I am not going to let people such as G turn me into something I'm not. And I'm not going to let G walk all over me. For now on, I'm not going to let G or any other man break my heart ever again. I will not let them do this to me because G actually was my first love, and now I know how it feels to be hurt by a man. But with my hand raised before God and my family, I vow to never ever let a man break my heart again.

The feeling of Regret; The feeling of respect

Well, me and G finally did talk about some of our problems. Yes, I lied my way out of it but hell, he's been thinkgin that I am the one who's been sending him those text messages. Even thought I am, I just couldn't let him know. Our "FRIENDSHIP" already has enough strain. We already don't talk enough. I mean, I don't want to sound like the jealous, insecure type, but if he likes talking to his best friend so much, then why don't he just be with her and stop fucking with my mind. I mean really. That bastard fucking knows how I feel about him; he fucking knows that I basically love him even though I didn't really say those words. I know, however, that he probably DID tell his best friend everthing I've EVER told him. I know she probably know that I've been pregnant before, but you know what, I don't even care. I'm trying to not let a man come between the friendship his best friend and I are trying to build, and I'm trying to not let his best friend come between the relationship G and I are trying to RE-build. But I know that's like trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a cherry. They are so stuck together. Why would he want to let me in qhen he already has some girl he can talk to about any thing and everything? I don't understand how he can tell that girl all my business and expect me to be cool with it. Naw, I ain't really feeling that shit. Especially when his best friend is saying that if she wants to know anything that happens between us that she'll just ask G because "He tells her EVERYTHING". Anything I tell you is not really meant to be told to everyone even if they are your best friend, because the fact still remains that they're not MY best friend, and it's MY business, so who says they're not going to go out and tell everyone? If he ever told me anything I would not tell any of my friends because it's none of their business, that was between us. What happens between us, stays between us. The only time I would say something is when we agreed to tell. I wish I had never kissed him, because even though it was for fun for him, It wasn't for me. I am so much more in love with him it aint even funny. Sometimes I wish I would have slept with him and went raw because I was ovulating. I would have gotten pregnant, and that nigga would have been trapped. Then again, he could be just like his daddy, and he might leave me alone. So I guess I'm glad I didn't talk to him. Until later bloggers, have a nice day.

Tell me what I did to you, To Make You do me like you do me?

I guess life just loves to get more complicated each day I live. I'm just so sick of everything. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because that's the only way I'll be free. But I know if I do that, it'll just bring satisfaction to all those who hate me and what me to go down because I failed. No, the best revenge is success. And as I look in the mirror, I smile, but all I see is ugliness and pain. I try to figure out how and when I got to where I am today, but it doesn't seem to make any sense. I can't even remember when or how I became the depressed person that walks this earth with her head hung low. I try to be strong and I often tell myself that people can't break me, but they can. Their hurtful words, their lies, their hate, and their dissapointments tear me up inside. I try to hide the fact that I cry because of G to the whole world. I try to tell them that I can go on without him, and I guess I've convinced myself that I can go on without him. But you can't hide how you really feel. Sometimes I just feel like yelling to everyone, "Fuck it! Yes, I like G. No, I LOVE him. Yes, I know he doesn't even like me, but you can't help the way you feel. Yes, everyday I go home and cry because of him. And before I start my day, I do always pray for him." Because I know that will stop the questions running through everyone's heads and mine. The fact that I can't get this dude out of my mind is driving ME crazy. Especially since this is the first time I've actually opened my heart to someone, and I'm sure I've convinced them that I like them, no, Love them, but the question still remains, "Am I convinced that they Like/Love me?" The mere thought of him moving on so quickly scares the shit out of me. Especially since I have the reminder from his best friend everyday that he's moving on. But I guess that's life. I sometimes think about using this boy that likes me for the rebound so as to say "Fuck you nigga! I've moved on!" or to make him jealous, but that would be wrong. I know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't like you back. I know how it feels to be in love with someone who can't stand the mere thought of you being alive. I know how it feels to go through that whole relationship confused about where that relationship's heading. And it sucks. While that person is having a ball playing with your feelings, you're left with the burden of trying to keep the relationship together. And when the relationship has finally run it's course, when everything's done, you try to hate the person but you can't because, while they might have been ignoring you and not giving a shit about your feelings, you still ended up developing more feelings for them. And when push came to shove you ended up falling in love. Something you thought you'd never do ever since you were four. Plus, you've explained to him how you felt, and of course he's called you, put the little guilt trip on you, "I wish you would have told me this a month ago!". And all you're thinking is, "Why? Would we not have broken up? Just because I feel like this?" Cause love's not supposed to be one-sided. It's two-sided, and even though you've never experienced a two-sided love, You've also never felt like this. Because even when you're arguing with him, you're just happy that he's even talking to you. And when he cusses you out in a message for something you thought was true, instead of defending yourself like you usually do, you back down like a wounded puppy because he makes you weak, and he's the only person in the world that can put you in your place. And even though, the fact that you and your family don't talk is because of something you "Did" with him, you still love him regardless. Like you said earlier, "Fuck It! Yes I like him! No, I LOVE him. And Yes, I know he doesn't give a rat's ass about me. And yes, he's the reason I cry every night before I go bed. And yes, before I start my day, I do always pray for him." And the only reason you pray for him, and cry for him is because even though there's that distance, even though you really don't want to like him, you'll always still love him, and how could you let someone you love hurt? So everyday you pray for him hoping that he'll come to his senses, hoping that nothing bad comes his way. And maybe you just DO need to move on. But after your heart has taken a beating like this, maybe you just need a break.

That Nigga Should have POPPED MY CHERRY.. (even though it's gone)

Hmmm, these days, life seems so hard. My schoolwork is good, I don't have any drama, and my relationships with my friends are stronger than ever. I just wish G and I could talk more often. Okay I'm lying, I just wish we could talk. I haven't heard from the boy since Monday the 2nd. I sometimes wonder if all that talking and shit that he was doing that night was real. Then again, maybe the nigga was just trying to make me feel good. He knew, no, he KNOWS that I really wanted someone to love; Someone to love me. He probably just wanted to give that to me for just that one night. I guess I understand his intentions. But if he didn't feel anything from the get-go, he shouldn't have done anything like that with me. Because for some reason ever since that night I spent with him, I can't seem to get him or the memory of how his lips felt out of my mind. I really wish I could because it seems like the more I succumb myself to the memory of him, the more and more it seems to just take over every aspect of my life. I wish I could just forget that he ever existed because life was sooo easy when I really didn't pay attention to G. He was just there last year, and my life wasn't this confusing. I had total control over my feelings and I wasn't this scared to live my life. For the first time in my whole life I'm actually afraid to get out there and live life. I'm afraid to talk to people and make friends with others. Why? because of the fear of getting hurt. You know what I mean? Life was so good, so easy, until I started worrying about boys. That's when it got complicated. I think the main reason was I changed my appearance, my personality, and my attitude so that I could be more appealing to other people. What I didn't expect was the major change it would have on my relations with boys. I didn't expect G and O to be attracted to me. In a way, in their own ways I should say, they both helped me mature into this girl you see today. Especially G. He came at a time when I was trying to determine the difference between a woman and a girl; when the smallest things could make a huge difference in my life. I know people keep hearing me say life goes on, and that's true. It's just that even though life may go on, and it will, I'll still always feel that void in my life. My heart will always yearn for him even though I may not always show it. But then again, I was just reading one of my past entries, and I was just saying how if me and O split, that I 'd just die. Here I am less than 6 months later, and I don't even think about the boy. I can't remember the last time I thought about him besides today. So maybe I will get over him. Maybe by the summertime, maybe even next month, I'll forget about G; He'll just be a thing in the past, long forgotten. The problem is that the thought of forgetting about G scares the shit out of me. For I know that the quicker I forget about him, I already know that he's probably been forgotten about me. And that sucks. It sucks so much. But I just need to find something to do with all this extra time I have on my hands right now. When I'm preoccupied is the only time that I can forget about my problems. Well, I'm sick of writing. G-nite. TTYL..
always...
A confused Mad Latina...
(I'll work up the courage to call G one of these days)...

MY life, MY pain.

Hola fellow bloggers!
Como Estas?
I’d like to say that life is a very confusing, very hard thing to endure. I find myself thinking often, “Why am I, of all people, alive?” I often wonder why I am still alive after all of the evil I’ve done to others. After all of the sins I’ve committed, why am I, this Latina, still living on this earth? Then it hit me. The bible says the wages of sin is death, but God doesn’t always punish us by killing us. No, that’s the easy way to punish us. Maybe he wanted to give me a chance. The bible says our God is a FORGIVING God. Maybe he wants me to change, and share my story with others. Lord knows I have been through much. I’d been raped by the time I was four years old, pregnant and had an abortion by the time I was thirteen. I was a little whore (Giving it up WAY too much, to TOO MANY people) by the time I was thirteen. But I changed. Now I’m sixteen and I thank God for bringing me through. I’ve heard so many stories of rape victims who basically gave into that pain and ended up becoming prostitutes or whatever. I’m so glad God watched over me and gave me the strength to get through. As a rape victim, I know how it is to feel like you’re a worthless piece of shit. I know how it is to feel like no man loves you, or that no man will ever like you. I know how it is to blame yourself for all the pain OTHER people have inflicted upon you. I know how all of this feels. Getting up in the morning and wondering why the hell you’re getting up in the first place. These can all make or break a person. So many people let it break them, and I would like to go on record as saying I didn’t. I continued to be strong. For a while there though, I did let the pain and suffering go to my head. I felt like I was useless to this world and I gave up my body to basically anyone who asked. After I got pregnant and had to go through that whole abortion experience, it changed my whole life. I did a 360 degree turn. No longer was I drowning in a pool of pain. “Why is she writing about this?” You might be asking. I am writing about this because like I said, this blog is about ME. This blog is about MY feelings and MY experiences. I’ve hid all these things from the world for too long now, and it’s about time I let it all out. So I leave you with another question: How do YOU, as a person, get through pain and suffering WITHOUT causing pain on other people?

The wild night's of my life...

WOW!!! It's so funny how one person can change your life so much! Remember how when I had just started this whole blogging thing I was so stuck on that one boy from Panama? G came a long and helped me forget all about him. Last night, I was on McChord (where he lives) spending the night at a friends house. We decided to go out around 10:30. I called G to see what he was doing since he is leaving on Monday. Let's just say that we were in a group of like 10 and we left them and ended up as a group of two. He called me over by him because he was babysitting his sisters and he couldn't leave them. He wanted me to give him a hug but that hug turned into a couple of kisses (GOOD kisses by the way). But anyways, we just talked and made out for like 2 hours or whatever. He kisses so GOOD!!! I really really (I don't want to say love) like this boy. If I said I didn't have feelings for him I would be lying. He knows exactly how I feel and I know how he feels. I just wish that he didn't have to go to Colorado because he IS my best friend and probably the closest I'll ever get to a man again. He's one of those boys that could just hold you for a long time and looks in your eyes and actually LISTENS to what you're saying. And you can tell he's listening because he don't just shake his head or answer with a one word response. He actually says a couple of sentences and he makes you feel so loved. I think God really must have been thinking about me when he made G because ever since he came my life has done a 360 degree turn. I mean, things I used to do, I don't do anymore because of the fear of losing him. I don't even think nastily about other men because I'm so stuck on G. And even though it's true that he's not that cute, what he lacks for in looks he makes up for in his personality. He's such a beautiful person and I hope that we keep in contact and that one day in the next few years we see each other again. Everyone keeps telling me that it's puppy love, and it might be, but only us two know how we really feel inside our hearts. I'm telling you, this may be a friendship that lasts forever. And if it doesn't oh well, I can't be living on the thought of this boy for the rest of my life. I guess I'll have to move on with my life.
I was just talking to my friend on msn and she was saying how I was making her depressed because she wishes she had someone to make out with. I had to explain to her that life isn't only about finding a man. You have to find yourself first. She broke up with her boyfriend of one year over the summer and she is STILL stuck on him. I mean, come on, MOVE ON!!! There's so many other things you could be doing with your time. He ain't worrying about you, why you worrying about him??? She's taking away from the beauty of her personality by making this guy run her life. She always thinks that if she walks a way where he is or looks where he is, then she's stalking him. ??? Am I the only one confused??? But that's the problem with society today. Yes, women have rights, but, mentally we're all still stuck in the midieval ages. Everyone believes that they have to do everything to GET and KEEP a man. If you believe you need a man to keep you happy then you need to do some soul searching because the only man (or being I should say) that can truly keep you happy is our Lord. Men on earth dissapoint, make you happy, then dissapoint you again. If you want to be chasing after something like that for the rest of your life then so be it, but excuse me if I don't join you. I'm not saying that you just need to give up on men altogether. Believe me, even I can't do that. But you also need to worry about yourself first. If you keep succumbing yourself to men who disrespect/ or don't please you, you're just messing yourself up in the head. You're gonna get to the point where you just don't trust men at all, and when the right man does come a long, you're not gonna see him because you won't trust him. And men, this goes for you too. Don't be spending your whole life looking for the right woman because you're just pushing yourself even closer to failure. I hope somebody out there actually takes this advice into consideration. Even though I may seem a bit immature or maybe even boy crazy, I still have my standards. I'm not settling for just right, I want THE BEST!!! I know when to say no, and I know not to be with anyone who doesn't respect me or my body. So as usual, I leave you with a question: Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?

Still Can't believe he's gone...

Hello blogger,
Sorry I haven't been on lately, it's just been a lot of things happening lately. Any who, today was my best friend (we'll just refer to him as "G") G's last day. He's going to Colorado. Of course when I heard this, I was heartbroken. I mean, I couldn't stand him last year. This year I've seen a cuter, more mature side of G that I never knew he had. And for the longest time, G was just there, he wasn't really important to me. Like last month, I started to notice the beautiful person that he was. Now he's gone. He was the only one I could talk to when I needed an ear. But that's how the military is, you stay in one place for maybe a year, and then you're gone. G is, I have to say, the closest I think I'll ever be with a man in my entire life. I mean, there's a lot of things that men have done to me in the past and for a while I just didn't trust men at all. But G came a long and he made me feels so comfortable and open with him. When I'm around him I feel like can't no harm come my way. In the past two months since we've started talking so much, I've basically shared my whole life stories with him. And what I love about him is that if he ever lost any respect for me when I told him some of these things, he never showed it. He didn't act like I was some piece of meat like most men treat me, and I love him for that. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I could actually see myself marrying G in my future. I don't know if it's just infatuation or if there's really feelings there, but I really, really could see myself having a long-term relationship with him. What sucks is that when I finally put all my trust in someone who doesn't judge me for the shit I've done and the shit I haven't done, it seems like God rips them out of my life. But then again, I can't blame everything on God. This is the doing of man and that dumb service called the military. But if G and I are as close as I think we are, then our paths will cross yet again. Hey, we'll be out of high school soon. We'll be grown and everything. We'll have jobs and we'll be able to visit each other without permission. But to G, "I love you boo. Just know that whereever you go, you'll always be in my heart because I got mad love for you baby." And to all those others looking for their love: "He/She's out there, you just have to let them come to you. And stop looking so hard. Sometimes the person you end up being with is the person closest to you that for some reason you keep ignoring... THINK ABOUT IT!!!