Love=Happiness=Heartbreak=Pain=Hate

Wow! What a day! Especially for one of my best friends. Her boyfriend left her for some masculine looking girl on the wrestling team. Then he had the nerve to tell her that it wasn't over, just wait for him. I was like, "I will be damned if I let you go back to that worthless piece of shit." I may not talk to people, and I may keep to myself, but when it comes to my friends (well my GOOD friends) and family, I just go off! I hate seeing close friends and family being hurt. Because it hurts me. Especially when they get a broken heart. That's one thing I'd never wish on anyone. That can turn a person cold. I'd rather get shot than have a broken heart. Nevermind, I take that back because you actually have a chance of recovering from a broken heart!!! I couldn't really tell her anything because I've never really been hurt like that; in an intimate relationship at least. But from my past experiences, all I can tell her is to be strong. She'll get over it. We all do. You'll look back on this in a few weeks, months, and maybe even years, and you'll be like "He so wasn't worth all that crying and pain I put myself through." But, you know how it goes with that stuff. It takes time to heal. You have to go back through that whole "self-rebuilding" thing, and get used to life without him. I should have told her all of this. But anyways, that's why I haven't lost my virginity to anyone. Because when you're finally through with that person, you're gonna have that regret in your heart, and it's just going to be THAT much harder to get over them. And then you're going to be like, "I should have waited." I don't want to put myself through that. It's bad enough that you have to get used to seeing that person all the time and knowing that you'll never ever be their number 1 or that you'll never be intimate with them again. I guess that's why so many people are so scared of love. And I don't blame them. I'm scared to fall in love. Love is one of those things that feels so good, but at the same time it hurts like HELL! But all I can say for my girl is that I got her back. I can't stand seeing her cry but, hey, that's life. She's going to experience worse, and this is just one of those things that she'll look back on and be glad that it happened.
Well, on to me. My cousin and I haven't talked in forever. I tried talking to her on the phone but it's awkward. Maybe because I'm so used to talking to her on the internet. Now I can't get used to talking to her on the phone. That's so weird to me! My boyfriend and I haven't talked in over a month. Yes, A MONTH! We've been together for 2 months now, tommorow. But, all I can say is that my love for him is stronger than ever, and I don't know why. I don't know if the same applies for him though. Well, I've basically caught you up with my life these last couple of days. Nothing's really happened. Nothing AMAZING happens in my life. So, Bye everyone, and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Whatever... ha ha ha! Have a nice day, and may you never have to experience heartbreak.

This Christmas...

That song runaway love is so good! Anyways, the Holidays are finally here, and I can't say I'm not happy. There's just something about the Holidays that make everyone so warm, and it just brings this happy feeling to everyone. It's one of the few times that family actually comes around. One of the few times that my parents actually cook a BIG dinner, and, I don't know how to describe it. The Holidays usually just hold some of the happiest memories for some of us. If you're like me, and you're greedy, and you love getting stuff, and will step on anybody to get what you want; then this Christmas, I encourage you to slow down on the wants, focus on the needs, and think of others you could help. God blesses those that bless others. Now don't go out there saying, "Oh, I did this, so I should get this." It don't work that way. Christmas is supposed to be for giving and happiness, and though your Christmas may be happy, remember that there's someone out there not having the best Christmas they could have. There are lots of things you could do to help out someone less fortunate than you. Go to a local soup kitchen and help cook, or donate presents to your local charity, OR if there is a family that you know of that is struggling, then give them a food basket, presents, SOMETHING! Every little bit helps. I know you like to say that it is not your fault that they are in the position, but just imagine how it would feel to know that you helped bring happiness to somebody's life. You don't have to give a lot, but every little bit counts. We are all here to help each other out. So, this season, while you're getting ready to spend money on that toy that your child just "Has to Have" but doesn't need, or that outfit, or those shoes that no one in your family needs, think about the families that need these things, and invest in helping other families this season. Happy Holidays, and remember that JESUS is the reason for the season.

Feelings from today...

I was reading a blog from somebody and they were talking about backstabbers and everything, and though it sounds really dumb for me to take offense to it, I did. As the saying goes, Truth hurts. And how this person described the minds of a backstabber, it was true. Very true. I could relate to it in each and every way. How he described it made me feel so bad. The ways backstabbers hurt others and how they betray their friends. I can relate back to numerous occasions when I have betrayed people for no reason, when all they did was love me. And all I could do was treat them like shit. Anyways, let me tell you guys a little bit about how the mind of a backstabber works. If you're like me, It's because you've been hurt in the past, and you take all your anger out on everyone else. Like they say, misery loves company, but trust me, when you make everybody miserable around you, it just makes you even worse. Trust me. I know. And it's a miracle that after all I've been through, I was still able to find love (somewhere else in the world), and give love. I remember telling my boyfriend once that I just for once wanted someone who wouldn't hurt me, and for once, I wanted someone to love me, and someone to love. He hadn't really promised that he wouldn't hurt me. But If he does break my heart, I don't think I'm ever going to move on. I know that sounds so childish, but falling in love is so hard, and once you get into it, you don't want to get out because when you look back on everything it took to get into this position that you're at now, you don't want to go back. You know how it feels to be whole, you don't want to go back to being what you were before (I know I kinda bit it from Guess who! Ha!). You don't want to be back to that position that you were at before. You're at your highest of highs, and you don't want to go back to your lowest of lows. You don't want to have to deal with your feelings again. So here goes another question for y'all, and MAYBE, some of y'all will actually answer it: What is the difference between love and puppy love? And give an example if you can.

Panties, Panties everywhere!

What is this fetish to buy "cute" undergarments? We all are guilty of it. Don't none of you act like you don't like cute underwear. Even I am guilty of this. We run into the nearest Victoria's secret, or we go into some store and we see cute underwear, and we just go crazy. We HAVE to buy them. Why? I don't know why. Nobody sees them (well for some us. Ha! :P) except for us, but why do we choose to spend 20 and 30 dollars on a pair of polka dotted or striped panties. Or a cute bra? Why? You're probably wondering why I'm writing about this. My mother brought home some panties, and some bras for me. My mother has excellent taste when it comes to buying cute bras, and sometimes she gets the wrong size (36C by the way ;]). But, when it comes to panties, she decides to buy those hideous, tan and white, big ass tummy flattening panties. She thinks my it'll give me a waist, but I like the panties that are lacy, and striped, and polka dotted, and bright colors, or with cartoon characters on it. And the ones that have the boy cut short. And thongs of course. That's why I go to Victoria's secret. I have a fetish for cute underwear. I don't know why, but I am obsessed with cute underwear. I go in there and spend 100-150 dollars on a couple of pairs of underwear. I also have this thing where my underwear has to match what I'm wearing. Weird huh? My mom says it's annoying, but, whoever ends up peeling off all my clothes will see that I like to match from top to bottom, inside, and out! I guess it IS kind of weird that my underwear has to match my clothes, but it makes sense to me! I wonder what my boyfriend would say if I told him that. Ha! He gets aroused very easily, so he'd probably say something like, "I have to go masturbate, I'll talk to you later." Freaky self. I don't know why he gets so horny so easily. I turn him on like crazy. Then there are times I wonder if I'm the only one turning him on since he gets hard so easily. I'm telling you, I can't wait to go to Panama next year. I'm going to lose my virginity. If I don't I'm going to do something! It may not be to that extent, but I'm going to do SOMETHING freaky with my boyfriend. Well, tommorow is my dance team tryouts, everyone wish me luck! And again I leave you with another question: Family is always going to be there for you, but when your family stabs you in the back do you necessarily go back running to them, or do you leave them alone like you would do with a friend?

1 question...

Wow! What a boring day.
I still haven't talked to my boyfriend you guys. I'm trying to tell you, we aren't going to last. Not long at least. I want us to last, but I know we're not going to last. My nieces are here today, so I can't really write anything personal. I just want someone to answer me this question: When your heart has been ripped out of your chest, stepped on, and crushed into millions of pieces, how do you mend it?

Joy + Pain= LOVE

Today In LATINA LAND:
Nothing happened. Went to school, had a rough day, came home, and did some things. One thing I am quite ashamed of and embarrassed to talk about. Even on the Internet, though none of you know me. I did something today that formed from last night. Last night I got off of the computer and I was thinking about my boyfriend really hard-- some of the things he's told me, some of the things we talked about doing-- and I was extremely horny last night. Not many people can say that honestly, but I was. I couldn't help it. But that's all I'm going to say. I just hope I can go to Panama next month. I still haven't talked to my boyfriend:
Everything that glitters isn't always gold,
The one I thought was right for me,
Helped make my heart turn cold,
Though I thought we'd be together forever,
I guess what they say is true,
Nothing lasts forever,
But babe,
My heart will always be with you,
You told me things no one else had,
Made me feel like the queen of the world,
What you did to me had me so depressed,
I don't think I could ever see you with another girl,
This Love thing you know,
I really thought I had it down-packed,
You've ripped my heart apart,
I don't know anyone who could actually put it back,
Whatever I did to make me leave,
I hope you forgive me in your heart,
I love you so much; I burn for you,
Can we go please go back to the start?
Though I may end up as your number two,
You'll always be my number one,
You'll always be my love,
My boo,
Even though we're not together,
I will stay true,
I'll never move on,
Forever I'll belong to you.
-anonymous
"When Love is a shimmering curtain,
Before a door of chance,
That leads to a world in question,
Wherein the macabrous dance,
Of bones that rattle in silence,
Of blinded eyes and rolls,
Of thick lips, thin, denying,
A thousand powdered moles,
Where touch to touch is feel,
And life a weary whore,
I would be carried off, not gently,
To a shore,
Where love is the scream of anguish,
And no curtain drapes the door."
-Maya Angelou
The bottom line is, love is something every one's going to experience. Those last lines in Maya Angelo's poem explain it all. "Where love is the scream of anguish, and no curtain drapes the door." Anyone can experience love. And anyone can get hurt because of love. You may not have ever experienced intimate love with a special loved one, but you HAVE experienced love. I don't believe it when people say that they have never loved anyone because of things in their past. Well as children, we learn to put our trust in those taking care of us, and yes we do develop some kind of love for them. You develop love for friends and family you never knew was there until something bad happened. We may try to say that love isn't apart of us, or we have no love for certain people, but trust me Love always has it's ways of showing throughout the lies. Love will show when someone gets hurt or is hurting. Love will show when you're proud of someone. Love will show when you miss someone. Well not always show. It might not always show, but you feel it. But some of us choose not to show it because it isn't cool to show love. But you know what? That's childish. We might as well show it. I know I want to be able to say I loved somebody or I LOVE somebody. I don't want to go through life knowing that I never loved anyone because I let my heart get so cold. So I leave you with this question, and maybe some of you guys can answer this question and explain your answers. Night night: "Is it better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all?"

Never knew what it was... Until now... LOVE

Hello my fellow bloggers!
Have you ever listened to a song, and it sounded like the song was made just for you. Like you could relate to everything the person was saying? Well, I was just listening to "Love" By Keisha Cole, and I felt like she went into my brain and literally took what I was thinking. I know this song is kind of old, but with all that's happening with my boyfriend and everything, I can relate to everything she's saying. I mean this song is so good. If you've never heard it before, you need to go listen to it. By the way, here's the lyrics so that you can see what I'm talking about:
"I used to think that I wasn't fine enough,
And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough,
But I won't waist my time trying to figure out,
Why you playing games?
What's this all about?
And I can't believe you're hurting me,
I met your girl what a difference,
What you see in her,
You ain't seen in me?
But I guess this was all just make believe.
Chorus: Oh Love,
Never knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found, Found you,
Now you're gone,
What am I gonna do?
So empty my heart and my soul,
Can't go on,
Go on without you,
My rainy days fade away when you,
Come around please tell me baby,
Why you go so far away,
Why you go?
Chorus: Love,
Never knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found Love,
Never Knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found, found you,
Now you're gone,
What am I going to do,
So empty my heart and my soul,
Can't go on, Go on baby without you,
Rainy Days fade away,
When you come around say you're here to stay,
With me boy,
I don't want you to leave, I need,
Chorus: Love,
Never knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found,
Love,
Never knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found,
Love,
Never knew what I was missing,
But I knew once we start kissing,
I found,
Love (repeat until end)"
I love that song so much! It's like she just stole my feelings and wrote them down on paper. When that song first came out I didn't really like it. I mean I liked it, but I couldn't relate to it. And now that I am going through all of this stuff with my boyfriend, I finally understand the song. Like the rainy days part. Oh my gosh. That is exactly how I feel when I'm with my boyfriend, or in my case, when I talk to my boyfriend. I don't know if the two of us are going to last, it's been two weeks since we last talked. He might get bored being with me, and, I just don't know if I should break up with him now or wait. Besides, if I wait too long, he might end up breaking my heart. I sure wish I could talk to him, tell him I love him, and tell him all the stuff we usually talk about. Besides, Christmas is right around the corner, and if he's mad at me, he won't get me a present. I want a present! Okay, maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself there. Christmas is over a month away. But really. I miss him so much. He doesn't even know. I wanted to visit Panama for Christmas, but with my mother paying to rebuild my Grandmother's house, we can't afford it. So I'll have to wait all the way until next summer before I can see him again. Before I can kiss him, hear his voice, hug him, talk to him one on one, and even be with him alone all for the first time. Somebody, really tell me: Should I be in this relationship at all? Does this make any sense to anyone besides my boyfriend? Because it sure as hell don't make any sense to me! I don't know why though. Everyone else thinks it's cool, I think it's dumb. On that note, I must leave now. I am tired as hell. Dance team tryouts are coming up, and my niece and I have been practicing so hard. We better make it. I don't want all of this to be for nothing.
Night-night all you bloggers out there!

Another day in the boring life of a Latina...

Ooh, What a day! What a day! What am I talking about? Nothing of any significance really happened today. Went to school, after such a good nights sleep (I should sleep with the TV off more often). Went to French Class. That class is so cool to me. I love that language, though I love Spanish more. They say French is the language of love, but for me, Spanish is the language of love. It's so beautiful to me. You know what language I hate? German! That language is so ugly to me. So masculine. No offense to any of you Germans out there. I just don't like that language that much. My sister and my mother lived there for a couple of years when my real dad was in the army. My sister said it was cool; my mother hated it. Any who, back to what I did today. I went to Mrs. Howard's class and presented my politician project. That was a hard project, but obviously I did a good job. After everyone was done she gave them the third degree just asking lots of questions that we didn't know the answers to. But, when it came to my project, she asked at least only two questions. And I was able to answer them, very good. I guess that's a good thing about me. When I have a project to do, I may wait until the last minute, but at least I get it done. And at least I do quality work.
Anyways, after Mrs. Howard's class we had biology. We have that damn science fair coming up so we have to get a topic and get started on our experiments. I am not interested in science at all, so I definitely don't know what to do. We got new assigned seats, and I got stuck sitting by these people who are very rude. They are nice to me, but they are always talking about my Mexican friend because she's fat, and because she's not too attractive. I don't care. She's still a good friend.
After biology was lunch. I had told my friend that a couple of boys were talking about her, and she got all bitchy and shit. I told her I didn't know exactly what they said but they mentioned her name. Then she went up to one of them and was like, "I heard you were talking shit about me," in her little ugly voice. She all had an attitude for no reason. I don't know why though. It wasn't even called for.
After lunch was English. I hate that class. We had a test, and I almost got caught cheating. But I still passed it. Like I said, nothing good happened today. Just another boring day in the life of a Latina. I have nothing else to talk about. I would say all that's on my mind right now, and as much as I know that you guys would be VERY interested, I can't do that because I'm running out of time. Night- night everyone.

November 13th, a day of beauty...

Hello again fellow bloggers,
Today I went to school. It was okay I guess. Homecoming's coming up and I don't have a date. Why? Because my boo lives all the way in Panama, and I know that he won't let me go with anyone to homecoming. Buster. I can't do anything. He acts like he's my father or something. Anyways, today I am going to ask him if he'll get mad if I go to homecoming with somebody. Probably will say I can't go with anyone. Bastard. My parents were just dancing in the kitchen. God they make me sick sometimes. Two old ass people and they are so FREAKY! My mom will walk up behind my step-dad and pinch his butt. IN FRONT OF COMPANY! And then my step-dad will walk up to my mother and grab her butt or grab her boobs. You people are grand-parents. HAVE SOME COUTURE!!! I don't even do that mess (Not that I could; My boyfriend's all the way in Panama).
Anyways, nothing really happened today of any significance that is. Went to geometry class, and my boring ass teacher talked about the same stuff, over and over again. Went to photography. Had to end up using one of my friends negatives because I had put all of mine in my conference folder (damn those conferences). I had to scratch his name off the back and put mine on. I hope Mr. Hurdus doesn't notice. But then again he probably won't. I'm just so careful. I do not want to have to do that project over again. It took me long enough to do it the first time. I went to advisory. Mrs. Shackelford is a pretty cool teacher. Just don't piss her off. Except her class was kind of boring today. Oh my gosh! I this boy was all feeling on my leg during the movie we were watching. I didn't want him to stop because it felt so good. But I had to demand some self respect. Come on now, I'm in a relationship. I can't just have him feeling all over me. Well, at least that's what I had to tell my mind. Remember, my mind speaks a good word, but my body was speaking a whole nother language. I even let it get so far to wear he walked his hand all the way from my knee, to my upper thigh, almost to my pussy. Then I had to stop him. Then came P.E. The easiest class in the world. We did 5, 4, 3, 2, 1's and as usual my fat ass Mexican friend couldn't handle it. she was acting like it was killing her. Them damn skinny girls too. They like to act like someones killing them, but as skinny as they are, they should have no problem. They don't got a fat ass to carry around all day, and no pudge in the front. They get on my nerves with all that, "I'm so fat!" shit. Damn, if you're fat I must be obese! And I don't even label myself as fat. I just say I'm thicker than most people. Which is true for most people my height. How many people you know that are 5'0 and are pushing 130 pounds? I'm short and thick. Big ass, big thighs, and a little pudge in the front, that is going away because of all this working out I have been doing lately. Anyways, I hate it when people who are skinny complain that they are fat. You're not fucking fat! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do they know how many people they offend when they say things like that? Complaining that they are in a size 1 instead of a size zero. Ha! I can't even remember when I last fit into a size one. My fat ass can barely fit into a size seven anymore. If you think a size one is fat, then you need to get a life. I can't stand skinny girls. They have a nice shape and everything, but come on, GET SOME MEAT ON THEM BONES!
Us thick girls have some nice shapes, but for some reason, them boys don't like to flock to us that much. They like a damn stick that pokes the hell out of them when they fucking or something. At least us thick girls have some kind of cushion. If you gone be sticking something all up in me, you might as well be comfortable while doing it. Okay, I know, that was kind of the freaky part of me coming out. HE HE HE!!
The same old loud ass people at my school pissing me off today; geeks and loners walking around as if the world is about to end; teachers assigning long ass assignments; ignorant people getting in fights. School is just full of some dumb people. But I'll be glad when I get a good paying job and I'm able to squash all them suckers with my pay-check. My sister said that all those girls who were "so cool" when she was in high-school, all ended up getting pregnant early, have a lot of kids running around now, or they ended up bums. She said that she's doing better than all those people that used to make fun of her in high-school. I guess it is true what they say. The best revenge is success. High-school is nothing compared to what we're going to face later on in life. If you spend your whole high-school career bullying, and fighting, and not giving a shit about anything, then I guess you don't give a shit about your future. I still haven't talked to my boyfriend you guys. Yes this is taking a toll on me. For the longest time, I would find myself restless at night. Then like two days ago I called my cousin, and she was like your boyfriend is always asking about you, and he's been telling us all these things to say to you, yada-yada-yada... But it made me feel good, and now, I get a good night's sleep. Let's just see how long this actually lasts. I was listening to that song, "All I want for Christmas is you." It makes me miss my boo. But here's the lyrics. It relates so much to me!
v1: I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need,
I don't care about the presents,
Underneath the Christmas Tree,
I just want you for my own,
More than you could ever know,
Make my wish come true,
All I want for Christmas is you,
I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need,
(And I) don't care about the presents,
Underneath the Christmas tree,
I won't even hang my stocking,
There upon the fireplace,
(I) Santa Claus won't make me happy,
With a toy on Christmas day,
I just want you for my own,
More than you could ever know,
Make my wish come true,
All I want for Christmas is you,
(Oh, You baby!)
v2:Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas,
I won't even wish for snow,
(And I) I just wanna keep on waiting,
Underneath the mistletoe,
I won't make a list and send it,
To the Northpole for Saint Nick,
(And I) I won't even stay awake to,
Hear those magic reindeer click,
Cause I just want you here tonight,
Holding on to me so tight,
What more can I do?
Baby all I want for Christmas is you!
(you... Baby!)
Bridge: Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere,
And the sounds of children's laughter fills the air,
And everyone is singing,
I hear those sleigh bells ringing,
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need,
Won't you please bring my baby to me?
v3: Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas,
This is all I'm asking for,
I just want to see my baby,
Standing right outside my door,
Oh, I just want you for my own,
More than you could ever know,
Make my wish come true,
Baby all I want for Christmas is you!!!!!!!!
Anyways, I love that song. I miss my boyfriend soooooooo much, and I wish I could be with him right now! With the holidays coming around, I'm going to feel so left out. Everybody's going to have their significant other, and I'm going to be the only one who doesn't have anyone to bring to Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner. My sister has her husband and her four bad ass kids, sometimes my other sister brings one of her male friends to dinner; my brother, well, he got that baby mama drama, but he brings his kids to dinner, and who do I have? No one. Unfortunately. I especially hate NEW YEARS! When the clock strikes 12:00 everybody decides it's time to kiss. I'm just sitting there mad as hell, because I don't get to do that. Wish I could though. I can't wait to get out the house. Actually I can. Hahaha! I barely have any chores, and I have people to cook for me, and do my laundry. So, I guess I can wait until I leave. I am not in no rush, because I know as soon as I leave, I'm going to have so much responsibility. Well, it's getting kind of late, Nighty- night all of you out there!

Church: A blessing from God or Torture?

Hello Fellow Bloggers,
Another uneventful day in my life. Went to church today after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to convince my mother to not go. I don't even know why I tried. My mother is stuck back in the day. She goes to church almost every Sunday, sits in the second row (since women aren't allowed to sit in the front row), arrives thirty minutes early for prayer, wears the big fancy hats and the nice suits, is always the first one to start shouting, and she goes to almost every women's meeting they have. My mother is the most classic, black, Latina, baptist christian in the entire world. She even got all the sayings down. "Hallelujah!" "Thank Ya Jesus!" Sometimes I wonder whether or not that's the spirit or just her trying to get attention. You can never tell with that woman. I don't know what the problem is with me and church. I can't STAND church. I don't know if I'm trying to rebel and be all anti-christian, or if I just don't like church. I can't tell. But like these past two or three years, I've started to believe there really isn't a God. I mean I KNOW there is one. There's things that happen in my life that the only sensible way to explain them would be to say that it was God. But then there's those times I have in my life, where I'm like, "If there is a God, he sure as hell don't like me." And I guess that's a problem with Christianity. When things go wrong we want to blame God and curse his name, and say he doesn't love us. But when things are going fine and everything (if we actually remember to do this) we decide to praise God. And sometimes it's the other way around. We call on Jesus when things are wrong, and when every thing's right we completely forget about him. If nobody else has that problem, I guess I'm just crazy.
That brings up another thing. Isn't it funny how everyone in the church likes to look at you and talk about how bad you turned out to be? Now I love my mother and everything, but she does have her flaws. She likes to talk about how everybody Else's kids are so bad, and I am the baddest kid to ever walk the face of the earth! I mean, come on now. Every one's shit stinks! Some more than others. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that church sucks. I hate the whole concept of getting up early and staying in the church for five whole hours. Then having to sit your ass on them uncomfortable sits and listen to that boring sermon for forty-five minutes. Everyone says if you go to church you're close to God and stuff like that. Well if that's the only way for me to get close to him, then I guess I won't get close to him. Besides, there are other ways to get close to God. Staying at home and actually calling out to him, talking to him, reading your bible. Those are all ways to get close to God. God does not only exist in church. He exists EVERYWHERE. At least that's what I was taught in Sunday School. Ha!
I guess what this whole blog today is about me and my religion. I want to be a good christian girl, but there are just some things I can't agree with. Take my mother for instance: She believes that every girl should come to church with a skirt on or a dress. Something. I don't agree with that. I am very uncomfortable in dresses and skirts, and where I live, it is WAY too cold to be wearing that stuff. She says put stockings on, but stockings don't look right with everything. Some things look right without stockings. And me and stockings don't get a long anyways. I always get holes or runs in them. And they make me itch. My mother just says those are excuses for me not to wear dresses to church. If I look presentable in some nice dress slacks, is that still bad? For my mother yes. She absolutely HATES it when I wear pants to church. It's not "Lady-like". If being ''Lady-like'' means wearing dresses/ or skirts, then I guess I'm not too ''Lady-like,'' now, am I?
I am the most nontraditional person in the world. I hate traditions. Except that of my Panamanian background of course. But some traditions--or stereo-types I should say-- suck. Women being BEHIND their men, instead of IN FRONT. I think that's dumb. My place is not behind no damn man. Maybe to the side and even in the front. But I'm not about to be one of those wives who stays home all day and doesn't have a life except those of her children. No. Not me. No sir. If it takes all of that to be a wife then I guess I ain't getting married. How did I get from talking about church to getting married? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Anyways, today was boring, and I still haven't talked to my boyfriend. I had to go to church, and I reek of smoke from going over to my nieces grandparents house. I am hungry and my parents don't want to cook for me. I have school tommorow, and I don't feel like waking up in the morning early already. Could life get any worse?

Lovestruck... For what?

I'm kind of new to this blogging thing, and I'm going to give you guys a little bit about me first. I'm not going to say my name or age or anything like that though. First of all know that I am black and Panamanian. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and reside with my parents. Recently my mother and I visited her family in Panama. The first time for me. I grew to like my family very much, and I found myself starting a love connection with someone. Before we get into that, let me explain somethings to you. I am a teenager and I have never had a boyfriend. This is weird because, most people my age have already experienced love, had their first kiss. Yada Yada Yada. I haven't done anything with the opposite sex. In fact, up until last year I was still at the stage of, "Boys have Cooties!" Not good for someone my age.
Many people thought I was a lesbian, and I had to explain to them that I wasn't. I just wasn't interested in boys yet. I was more concerned about whether or not my grades were good or not. I could care less about boys. All I knew was that boys were trouble, and all they could do is lead to ruin. I thought this because I'd seen it done before to friends and family of mine. I saw the way that men had almost completely destroyed my mother and my sister, and I didn't want to go through it. I decided to stay away from it. At first, I thought,"Well, you can't miss what you never had." But that's a lie. That saying should go, "You can't miss what you never knew."
Since I knew the joys, and the pains of being in a relationship, I started getting depressed. I felt that I was ugly, and I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I started walking around being just, angry. Angry at the world. For what reason? I have no clue. I just was. Then we went to Panama, and this beautiful caramel colored, guy came. God was he sexy. He had brown eyes, and the nicest, juiciest lips in the world. I loved him as soon as I saw him.
To make a long story short, He couldn't speak English, I couldn't speak Spanish. I liked him, he liked me. I came back to the states. My cousins got involved, now me and him are together. Am I the only one who thinks this doesn't make any sense? Everyone else thinks it's so "cuuuuuute" and "adorable". I think it's dumb. Not only are we over 5,000 miles away from each other, but we can't even understand each other at all. But I've never experienced love before, and I want to be able to say I have a boyfriend. Of course, when I tell people I have a boyfriend, no one believes me. Hahaha. Anyways, me and him have been together about a month now. I trust him with all my heart, but he doesn't trust me at all. He is always telling my cousins to figure out if I have a boyfriend. But I don't. He's the only one in my life, and the only one that will be in my life for a while. He doesn't understand. I love him to death. I can't even imagine myself without him. He has changed me in so many ways. He has changed me into the softer, nicer me people see today. I don't know why, but he has.
I suffer with depression. I tend to get sad for no apparent reason, and I usually walk around mad at the world. I am just mean. I don't know why. I just am. It's become a part of me. I try to be nice, but there's always that hateful me that comes out at some point in time. I don't know why though. Lately, I have had this awful mood swings. When I talk to mi novio, I'm all fine and dandy for a couple of days. I'm all happy and saying, "We're going to be together forever," and stuff like that. Then, when I got three or more days without talking to him, I get very angry for no reason. I start doubting our relationship, and I don't think we're going to last. I start to get mad for no reason. Then out of the blue, I just start crying. I don't know why. These last two weeks have been the worst. I go into my room, turn off the lights, and I just cry. I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. Anyways, my boyfriend and I haven't been talking lately, and I feel like when we do talk, things are going to be worst off than they were. He's going to start complaining about me not saying things, and start saying that I have a boyfriend over here. But I don't give a fuck. I am about tired of his ass. He's always mad at me, when I don't do nothing. I am the most quiet person you will ever meet, and he complains that I don't talk enough. I can't help it. I don't talk a lot.
Anyways, as you can tell me and mi novio are going through the storm right now. I just hope we make it out in one piece. Not two.
One thing I don't like about me is that I lie too god-damn much. I have a very, very, very, very boring life. I am a goody-goody two-shoes, and I don't do things I'm not supposed to. I'm too scared. Lately, I have been lying about some stuff I don't even need to be lying about. It makes no damn sense to tell you the truth. Ever since I went to Panama, and went to that club (where I shouldn't have been at), I have not been myself. I tell my cousins all these lies, and it don't even make any sense. Things most girls are ashamed of. OK, I am a virgin, but I am always lying about it to my cousins about how I have had sex before and stuff like that. And the only reason I am lying about it is because they are so interested, and they love to hear about it. They look up to me for this. I even went so far as to telling them that I was pregnant. But I wasn't. I have never had sex, let alone been pregnant. I am always telling them how I was drunk the night before, and I have never drunk anything. I am not like that. Unfortunately, I choose to lie about these types of things. I don't know why though. I wish I could take back everything I have told them, but I can't. Oh well. The past is the past, and you can't change the past. But you can change what the outcome is. Maybe some good will come out of all this, if I turn it around.