Lovestruck... For what?

I'm kind of new to this blogging thing, and I'm going to give you guys a little bit about me first. I'm not going to say my name or age or anything like that though. First of all know that I am black and Panamanian. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and reside with my parents. Recently my mother and I visited her family in Panama. The first time for me. I grew to like my family very much, and I found myself starting a love connection with someone. Before we get into that, let me explain somethings to you. I am a teenager and I have never had a boyfriend. This is weird because, most people my age have already experienced love, had their first kiss. Yada Yada Yada. I haven't done anything with the opposite sex. In fact, up until last year I was still at the stage of, "Boys have Cooties!" Not good for someone my age.
Many people thought I was a lesbian, and I had to explain to them that I wasn't. I just wasn't interested in boys yet. I was more concerned about whether or not my grades were good or not. I could care less about boys. All I knew was that boys were trouble, and all they could do is lead to ruin. I thought this because I'd seen it done before to friends and family of mine. I saw the way that men had almost completely destroyed my mother and my sister, and I didn't want to go through it. I decided to stay away from it. At first, I thought,"Well, you can't miss what you never had." But that's a lie. That saying should go, "You can't miss what you never knew."
Since I knew the joys, and the pains of being in a relationship, I started getting depressed. I felt that I was ugly, and I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I started walking around being just, angry. Angry at the world. For what reason? I have no clue. I just was. Then we went to Panama, and this beautiful caramel colored, guy came. God was he sexy. He had brown eyes, and the nicest, juiciest lips in the world. I loved him as soon as I saw him.
To make a long story short, He couldn't speak English, I couldn't speak Spanish. I liked him, he liked me. I came back to the states. My cousins got involved, now me and him are together. Am I the only one who thinks this doesn't make any sense? Everyone else thinks it's so "cuuuuuute" and "adorable". I think it's dumb. Not only are we over 5,000 miles away from each other, but we can't even understand each other at all. But I've never experienced love before, and I want to be able to say I have a boyfriend. Of course, when I tell people I have a boyfriend, no one believes me. Hahaha. Anyways, me and him have been together about a month now. I trust him with all my heart, but he doesn't trust me at all. He is always telling my cousins to figure out if I have a boyfriend. But I don't. He's the only one in my life, and the only one that will be in my life for a while. He doesn't understand. I love him to death. I can't even imagine myself without him. He has changed me in so many ways. He has changed me into the softer, nicer me people see today. I don't know why, but he has.
I suffer with depression. I tend to get sad for no apparent reason, and I usually walk around mad at the world. I am just mean. I don't know why. I just am. It's become a part of me. I try to be nice, but there's always that hateful me that comes out at some point in time. I don't know why though. Lately, I have had this awful mood swings. When I talk to mi novio, I'm all fine and dandy for a couple of days. I'm all happy and saying, "We're going to be together forever," and stuff like that. Then, when I got three or more days without talking to him, I get very angry for no reason. I start doubting our relationship, and I don't think we're going to last. I start to get mad for no reason. Then out of the blue, I just start crying. I don't know why. These last two weeks have been the worst. I go into my room, turn off the lights, and I just cry. I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. Anyways, my boyfriend and I haven't been talking lately, and I feel like when we do talk, things are going to be worst off than they were. He's going to start complaining about me not saying things, and start saying that I have a boyfriend over here. But I don't give a fuck. I am about tired of his ass. He's always mad at me, when I don't do nothing. I am the most quiet person you will ever meet, and he complains that I don't talk enough. I can't help it. I don't talk a lot.
Anyways, as you can tell me and mi novio are going through the storm right now. I just hope we make it out in one piece. Not two.
One thing I don't like about me is that I lie too god-damn much. I have a very, very, very, very boring life. I am a goody-goody two-shoes, and I don't do things I'm not supposed to. I'm too scared. Lately, I have been lying about some stuff I don't even need to be lying about. It makes no damn sense to tell you the truth. Ever since I went to Panama, and went to that club (where I shouldn't have been at), I have not been myself. I tell my cousins all these lies, and it don't even make any sense. Things most girls are ashamed of. OK, I am a virgin, but I am always lying about it to my cousins about how I have had sex before and stuff like that. And the only reason I am lying about it is because they are so interested, and they love to hear about it. They look up to me for this. I even went so far as to telling them that I was pregnant. But I wasn't. I have never had sex, let alone been pregnant. I am always telling them how I was drunk the night before, and I have never drunk anything. I am not like that. Unfortunately, I choose to lie about these types of things. I don't know why though. I wish I could take back everything I have told them, but I can't. Oh well. The past is the past, and you can't change the past. But you can change what the outcome is. Maybe some good will come out of all this, if I turn it around.