Thank God the pain is gone.

Wow, I thought it would be hard, but I've moved on so quickly. I remember when he first left, I missed him so much that it hurt. Sure, there are days that I can't seem to get G out of my mind, but most days now that go by, I just don't even remember the boy. The question is: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? My problem is, that I get stuck on boys WAYY too easily. For the longest time, before I actually fell into "infatuation" I guess you could call it, my whole thing was that if I had to force a man to love me, or if I had to repeatedly prove my love to him, then he's not worth it. I guess I need to go back to that. Because, trust me, G is NOT worth it at all. He can be sweet at the time, but at the same time, he never really liked me in the first place, so he's just a waste of my precious time. I could be doing other things instead of waiting for him to love me. I am a beautiful person; I am a sweet person and I refuse to be turned into some ugly, evil person because I really liked some dude. No, mama taught me better than that. I am going to make a vow to myself that I am not going to let people such as G turn me into something I'm not. And I'm not going to let G walk all over me. For now on, I'm not going to let G or any other man break my heart ever again. I will not let them do this to me because G actually was my first love, and now I know how it feels to be hurt by a man. But with my hand raised before God and my family, I vow to never ever let a man break my heart again.

The feeling of Regret; The feeling of respect

Well, me and G finally did talk about some of our problems. Yes, I lied my way out of it but hell, he's been thinkgin that I am the one who's been sending him those text messages. Even thought I am, I just couldn't let him know. Our "FRIENDSHIP" already has enough strain. We already don't talk enough. I mean, I don't want to sound like the jealous, insecure type, but if he likes talking to his best friend so much, then why don't he just be with her and stop fucking with my mind. I mean really. That bastard fucking knows how I feel about him; he fucking knows that I basically love him even though I didn't really say those words. I know, however, that he probably DID tell his best friend everthing I've EVER told him. I know she probably know that I've been pregnant before, but you know what, I don't even care. I'm trying to not let a man come between the friendship his best friend and I are trying to build, and I'm trying to not let his best friend come between the relationship G and I are trying to RE-build. But I know that's like trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a cherry. They are so stuck together. Why would he want to let me in qhen he already has some girl he can talk to about any thing and everything? I don't understand how he can tell that girl all my business and expect me to be cool with it. Naw, I ain't really feeling that shit. Especially when his best friend is saying that if she wants to know anything that happens between us that she'll just ask G because "He tells her EVERYTHING". Anything I tell you is not really meant to be told to everyone even if they are your best friend, because the fact still remains that they're not MY best friend, and it's MY business, so who says they're not going to go out and tell everyone? If he ever told me anything I would not tell any of my friends because it's none of their business, that was between us. What happens between us, stays between us. The only time I would say something is when we agreed to tell. I wish I had never kissed him, because even though it was for fun for him, It wasn't for me. I am so much more in love with him it aint even funny. Sometimes I wish I would have slept with him and went raw because I was ovulating. I would have gotten pregnant, and that nigga would have been trapped. Then again, he could be just like his daddy, and he might leave me alone. So I guess I'm glad I didn't talk to him. Until later bloggers, have a nice day.

Tell me what I did to you, To Make You do me like you do me?

I guess life just loves to get more complicated each day I live. I'm just so sick of everything. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because that's the only way I'll be free. But I know if I do that, it'll just bring satisfaction to all those who hate me and what me to go down because I failed. No, the best revenge is success. And as I look in the mirror, I smile, but all I see is ugliness and pain. I try to figure out how and when I got to where I am today, but it doesn't seem to make any sense. I can't even remember when or how I became the depressed person that walks this earth with her head hung low. I try to be strong and I often tell myself that people can't break me, but they can. Their hurtful words, their lies, their hate, and their dissapointments tear me up inside. I try to hide the fact that I cry because of G to the whole world. I try to tell them that I can go on without him, and I guess I've convinced myself that I can go on without him. But you can't hide how you really feel. Sometimes I just feel like yelling to everyone, "Fuck it! Yes, I like G. No, I LOVE him. Yes, I know he doesn't even like me, but you can't help the way you feel. Yes, everyday I go home and cry because of him. And before I start my day, I do always pray for him." Because I know that will stop the questions running through everyone's heads and mine. The fact that I can't get this dude out of my mind is driving ME crazy. Especially since this is the first time I've actually opened my heart to someone, and I'm sure I've convinced them that I like them, no, Love them, but the question still remains, "Am I convinced that they Like/Love me?" The mere thought of him moving on so quickly scares the shit out of me. Especially since I have the reminder from his best friend everyday that he's moving on. But I guess that's life. I sometimes think about using this boy that likes me for the rebound so as to say "Fuck you nigga! I've moved on!" or to make him jealous, but that would be wrong. I know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't like you back. I know how it feels to be in love with someone who can't stand the mere thought of you being alive. I know how it feels to go through that whole relationship confused about where that relationship's heading. And it sucks. While that person is having a ball playing with your feelings, you're left with the burden of trying to keep the relationship together. And when the relationship has finally run it's course, when everything's done, you try to hate the person but you can't because, while they might have been ignoring you and not giving a shit about your feelings, you still ended up developing more feelings for them. And when push came to shove you ended up falling in love. Something you thought you'd never do ever since you were four. Plus, you've explained to him how you felt, and of course he's called you, put the little guilt trip on you, "I wish you would have told me this a month ago!". And all you're thinking is, "Why? Would we not have broken up? Just because I feel like this?" Cause love's not supposed to be one-sided. It's two-sided, and even though you've never experienced a two-sided love, You've also never felt like this. Because even when you're arguing with him, you're just happy that he's even talking to you. And when he cusses you out in a message for something you thought was true, instead of defending yourself like you usually do, you back down like a wounded puppy because he makes you weak, and he's the only person in the world that can put you in your place. And even though, the fact that you and your family don't talk is because of something you "Did" with him, you still love him regardless. Like you said earlier, "Fuck It! Yes I like him! No, I LOVE him. And Yes, I know he doesn't give a rat's ass about me. And yes, he's the reason I cry every night before I go bed. And yes, before I start my day, I do always pray for him." And the only reason you pray for him, and cry for him is because even though there's that distance, even though you really don't want to like him, you'll always still love him, and how could you let someone you love hurt? So everyday you pray for him hoping that he'll come to his senses, hoping that nothing bad comes his way. And maybe you just DO need to move on. But after your heart has taken a beating like this, maybe you just need a break.

That Nigga Should have POPPED MY CHERRY.. (even though it's gone)

Hmmm, these days, life seems so hard. My schoolwork is good, I don't have any drama, and my relationships with my friends are stronger than ever. I just wish G and I could talk more often. Okay I'm lying, I just wish we could talk. I haven't heard from the boy since Monday the 2nd. I sometimes wonder if all that talking and shit that he was doing that night was real. Then again, maybe the nigga was just trying to make me feel good. He knew, no, he KNOWS that I really wanted someone to love; Someone to love me. He probably just wanted to give that to me for just that one night. I guess I understand his intentions. But if he didn't feel anything from the get-go, he shouldn't have done anything like that with me. Because for some reason ever since that night I spent with him, I can't seem to get him or the memory of how his lips felt out of my mind. I really wish I could because it seems like the more I succumb myself to the memory of him, the more and more it seems to just take over every aspect of my life. I wish I could just forget that he ever existed because life was sooo easy when I really didn't pay attention to G. He was just there last year, and my life wasn't this confusing. I had total control over my feelings and I wasn't this scared to live my life. For the first time in my whole life I'm actually afraid to get out there and live life. I'm afraid to talk to people and make friends with others. Why? because of the fear of getting hurt. You know what I mean? Life was so good, so easy, until I started worrying about boys. That's when it got complicated. I think the main reason was I changed my appearance, my personality, and my attitude so that I could be more appealing to other people. What I didn't expect was the major change it would have on my relations with boys. I didn't expect G and O to be attracted to me. In a way, in their own ways I should say, they both helped me mature into this girl you see today. Especially G. He came at a time when I was trying to determine the difference between a woman and a girl; when the smallest things could make a huge difference in my life. I know people keep hearing me say life goes on, and that's true. It's just that even though life may go on, and it will, I'll still always feel that void in my life. My heart will always yearn for him even though I may not always show it. But then again, I was just reading one of my past entries, and I was just saying how if me and O split, that I 'd just die. Here I am less than 6 months later, and I don't even think about the boy. I can't remember the last time I thought about him besides today. So maybe I will get over him. Maybe by the summertime, maybe even next month, I'll forget about G; He'll just be a thing in the past, long forgotten. The problem is that the thought of forgetting about G scares the shit out of me. For I know that the quicker I forget about him, I already know that he's probably been forgotten about me. And that sucks. It sucks so much. But I just need to find something to do with all this extra time I have on my hands right now. When I'm preoccupied is the only time that I can forget about my problems. Well, I'm sick of writing. G-nite. TTYL..
always...
A confused Mad Latina...
(I'll work up the courage to call G one of these days)...

MY life, MY pain.

Hola fellow bloggers!
Como Estas?
I’d like to say that life is a very confusing, very hard thing to endure. I find myself thinking often, “Why am I, of all people, alive?” I often wonder why I am still alive after all of the evil I’ve done to others. After all of the sins I’ve committed, why am I, this Latina, still living on this earth? Then it hit me. The bible says the wages of sin is death, but God doesn’t always punish us by killing us. No, that’s the easy way to punish us. Maybe he wanted to give me a chance. The bible says our God is a FORGIVING God. Maybe he wants me to change, and share my story with others. Lord knows I have been through much. I’d been raped by the time I was four years old, pregnant and had an abortion by the time I was thirteen. I was a little whore (Giving it up WAY too much, to TOO MANY people) by the time I was thirteen. But I changed. Now I’m sixteen and I thank God for bringing me through. I’ve heard so many stories of rape victims who basically gave into that pain and ended up becoming prostitutes or whatever. I’m so glad God watched over me and gave me the strength to get through. As a rape victim, I know how it is to feel like you’re a worthless piece of shit. I know how it is to feel like no man loves you, or that no man will ever like you. I know how it is to blame yourself for all the pain OTHER people have inflicted upon you. I know how all of this feels. Getting up in the morning and wondering why the hell you’re getting up in the first place. These can all make or break a person. So many people let it break them, and I would like to go on record as saying I didn’t. I continued to be strong. For a while there though, I did let the pain and suffering go to my head. I felt like I was useless to this world and I gave up my body to basically anyone who asked. After I got pregnant and had to go through that whole abortion experience, it changed my whole life. I did a 360 degree turn. No longer was I drowning in a pool of pain. “Why is she writing about this?” You might be asking. I am writing about this because like I said, this blog is about ME. This blog is about MY feelings and MY experiences. I’ve hid all these things from the world for too long now, and it’s about time I let it all out. So I leave you with another question: How do YOU, as a person, get through pain and suffering WITHOUT causing pain on other people?