Tell me what I did to you, To Make You do me like you do me?

I guess life just loves to get more complicated each day I live. I'm just so sick of everything. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because that's the only way I'll be free. But I know if I do that, it'll just bring satisfaction to all those who hate me and what me to go down because I failed. No, the best revenge is success. And as I look in the mirror, I smile, but all I see is ugliness and pain. I try to figure out how and when I got to where I am today, but it doesn't seem to make any sense. I can't even remember when or how I became the depressed person that walks this earth with her head hung low. I try to be strong and I often tell myself that people can't break me, but they can. Their hurtful words, their lies, their hate, and their dissapointments tear me up inside. I try to hide the fact that I cry because of G to the whole world. I try to tell them that I can go on without him, and I guess I've convinced myself that I can go on without him. But you can't hide how you really feel. Sometimes I just feel like yelling to everyone, "Fuck it! Yes, I like G. No, I LOVE him. Yes, I know he doesn't even like me, but you can't help the way you feel. Yes, everyday I go home and cry because of him. And before I start my day, I do always pray for him." Because I know that will stop the questions running through everyone's heads and mine. The fact that I can't get this dude out of my mind is driving ME crazy. Especially since this is the first time I've actually opened my heart to someone, and I'm sure I've convinced them that I like them, no, Love them, but the question still remains, "Am I convinced that they Like/Love me?" The mere thought of him moving on so quickly scares the shit out of me. Especially since I have the reminder from his best friend everyday that he's moving on. But I guess that's life. I sometimes think about using this boy that likes me for the rebound so as to say "Fuck you nigga! I've moved on!" or to make him jealous, but that would be wrong. I know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't like you back. I know how it feels to be in love with someone who can't stand the mere thought of you being alive. I know how it feels to go through that whole relationship confused about where that relationship's heading. And it sucks. While that person is having a ball playing with your feelings, you're left with the burden of trying to keep the relationship together. And when the relationship has finally run it's course, when everything's done, you try to hate the person but you can't because, while they might have been ignoring you and not giving a shit about your feelings, you still ended up developing more feelings for them. And when push came to shove you ended up falling in love. Something you thought you'd never do ever since you were four. Plus, you've explained to him how you felt, and of course he's called you, put the little guilt trip on you, "I wish you would have told me this a month ago!". And all you're thinking is, "Why? Would we not have broken up? Just because I feel like this?" Cause love's not supposed to be one-sided. It's two-sided, and even though you've never experienced a two-sided love, You've also never felt like this. Because even when you're arguing with him, you're just happy that he's even talking to you. And when he cusses you out in a message for something you thought was true, instead of defending yourself like you usually do, you back down like a wounded puppy because he makes you weak, and he's the only person in the world that can put you in your place. And even though, the fact that you and your family don't talk is because of something you "Did" with him, you still love him regardless. Like you said earlier, "Fuck It! Yes I like him! No, I LOVE him. And Yes, I know he doesn't give a rat's ass about me. And yes, he's the reason I cry every night before I go bed. And yes, before I start my day, I do always pray for him." And the only reason you pray for him, and cry for him is because even though there's that distance, even though you really don't want to like him, you'll always still love him, and how could you let someone you love hurt? So everyday you pray for him hoping that he'll come to his senses, hoping that nothing bad comes his way. And maybe you just DO need to move on. But after your heart has taken a beating like this, maybe you just need a break.