Church: A blessing from God or Torture?

Hello Fellow Bloggers,
Another uneventful day in my life. Went to church today after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to convince my mother to not go. I don't even know why I tried. My mother is stuck back in the day. She goes to church almost every Sunday, sits in the second row (since women aren't allowed to sit in the front row), arrives thirty minutes early for prayer, wears the big fancy hats and the nice suits, is always the first one to start shouting, and she goes to almost every women's meeting they have. My mother is the most classic, black, Latina, baptist christian in the entire world. She even got all the sayings down. "Hallelujah!" "Thank Ya Jesus!" Sometimes I wonder whether or not that's the spirit or just her trying to get attention. You can never tell with that woman. I don't know what the problem is with me and church. I can't STAND church. I don't know if I'm trying to rebel and be all anti-christian, or if I just don't like church. I can't tell. But like these past two or three years, I've started to believe there really isn't a God. I mean I KNOW there is one. There's things that happen in my life that the only sensible way to explain them would be to say that it was God. But then there's those times I have in my life, where I'm like, "If there is a God, he sure as hell don't like me." And I guess that's a problem with Christianity. When things go wrong we want to blame God and curse his name, and say he doesn't love us. But when things are going fine and everything (if we actually remember to do this) we decide to praise God. And sometimes it's the other way around. We call on Jesus when things are wrong, and when every thing's right we completely forget about him. If nobody else has that problem, I guess I'm just crazy.
That brings up another thing. Isn't it funny how everyone in the church likes to look at you and talk about how bad you turned out to be? Now I love my mother and everything, but she does have her flaws. She likes to talk about how everybody Else's kids are so bad, and I am the baddest kid to ever walk the face of the earth! I mean, come on now. Every one's shit stinks! Some more than others. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that church sucks. I hate the whole concept of getting up early and staying in the church for five whole hours. Then having to sit your ass on them uncomfortable sits and listen to that boring sermon for forty-five minutes. Everyone says if you go to church you're close to God and stuff like that. Well if that's the only way for me to get close to him, then I guess I won't get close to him. Besides, there are other ways to get close to God. Staying at home and actually calling out to him, talking to him, reading your bible. Those are all ways to get close to God. God does not only exist in church. He exists EVERYWHERE. At least that's what I was taught in Sunday School. Ha!
I guess what this whole blog today is about me and my religion. I want to be a good christian girl, but there are just some things I can't agree with. Take my mother for instance: She believes that every girl should come to church with a skirt on or a dress. Something. I don't agree with that. I am very uncomfortable in dresses and skirts, and where I live, it is WAY too cold to be wearing that stuff. She says put stockings on, but stockings don't look right with everything. Some things look right without stockings. And me and stockings don't get a long anyways. I always get holes or runs in them. And they make me itch. My mother just says those are excuses for me not to wear dresses to church. If I look presentable in some nice dress slacks, is that still bad? For my mother yes. She absolutely HATES it when I wear pants to church. It's not "Lady-like". If being ''Lady-like'' means wearing dresses/ or skirts, then I guess I'm not too ''Lady-like,'' now, am I?
I am the most nontraditional person in the world. I hate traditions. Except that of my Panamanian background of course. But some traditions--or stereo-types I should say-- suck. Women being BEHIND their men, instead of IN FRONT. I think that's dumb. My place is not behind no damn man. Maybe to the side and even in the front. But I'm not about to be one of those wives who stays home all day and doesn't have a life except those of her children. No. Not me. No sir. If it takes all of that to be a wife then I guess I ain't getting married. How did I get from talking about church to getting married? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Anyways, today was boring, and I still haven't talked to my boyfriend. I had to go to church, and I reek of smoke from going over to my nieces grandparents house. I am hungry and my parents don't want to cook for me. I have school tommorow, and I don't feel like waking up in the morning early already. Could life get any worse?